I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
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If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
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Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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