Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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