Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
