I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He has the fingertips of a God
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