omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
