Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My balls are so social today.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
