Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
