yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
