have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
