Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
