soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
