john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
