can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
