Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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