so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
