when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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