why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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