Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
wow bdsm is so cute
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
