Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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