Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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