I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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