I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
