K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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