Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
