Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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