i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
false alarm, still single
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
