So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
