My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
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