it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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