I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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