Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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