Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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