my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
tell your sister to shave her snatch
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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