If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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