I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
