The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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