gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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