happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
