Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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