She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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