I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
