There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
