if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
