it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
