If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
