he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
