I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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