Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
