remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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