I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
