I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
