Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
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She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
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not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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