I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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