im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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