If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You're a waste of cheezeits
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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