Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
