thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
