Michael Bay diarrhea
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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